So you are educated up to the 300 level, have done all your research, mapped out your picks, identified your sleepers, have a game plan. You have “clammed up” or “blew smoke” all the way to draft day. This means that you are ready to go right? just draft your team and be happy, right? Not so fast there cheetah, there remains work to do. Fantasy Football at this level can be dangerous, start taking notes.
♦♦Disclaimer--Use the below at your own risk. FFLKing will not accept responsibility for
any bodily harm, loss of friends or even league banishment for using these tactics.♦♦
Lesson 1: Setting up the Moments Before---The following are absolutely critical in maximizing your draft day presence or presents whichever you prefer:
1. Get There Early—Not only is this important for having a good view of the board, it is also important because you are going to be on center stage today. Most importantly of all though is…by getting there early, you can annoy the heck out of the owner who shows up just a little early in hopes of doing last minute preparation work. Ask him about his family, house, boat, job, cat, dog, golf game, mom, dad or anything you can think of (besides pro football) and tell him how happy you are to see him, etc.... Say and do anything to keep him from any type of research whatsoever.
2. Guests Should Bring Presents—Getting there early will help you distribute your presents. Standard protocol is bringing the magazines that you saved from last year and sprinkling them around the room. Inevitably someone will pick one up and make a moron out of themselves. For a little more fun and a new trick, try downloading a depth chart and changing a few of the backup names. For example, delete Donald Brown and put in Joe Sloback (and when the idiot that goes to the board saying “slob back” you can correct them in saying “slow back you moron!”). Take out a kicker’s name and put in Billy Turftoe. Don’t make too many changes, just enough. Spread them around the room and let everyone know that you are sick of the drafts taking so long so you pulled the most recent depth charts off the web for everyone to use.
3. Right before the draft, inform everyone that you did not study at all because you “didn’t need to for this league of chumps.”
Lesson 2: Plan of attack is 1 act per scene—You should, at a minimum, perform one planned spontaneous antic for each round of your draft. Get their goats. Your objective here is to get your buddies ticked off just enough so you can gain an advantage. Let someone else get drunk and humiliate themselves, your job is to humiliate others. Here are some suggestions:
1. Round 1—If you have the second pick and know for a fact that Peterson will be off the board, go buy yourself an MJD jersey. Keep it hidden until you pick, bust it out and dance around a bit on your way up to the board.
2. Round 2—Idnetify which thug in the room looks most like a monkey. On your way to the board hum and sing ”Hey hey for the Monkeys, people say we Monkey around but we’re too busy singing (point to the dude that looks like a monkey) hey “monkey boy” who you gonna take next round?” Proceed to call him “monkey boy” for the rest of the day. Surely he will get agitated soon enough. Also continue to hum or sing the song periodically throughout the draft. It will get into a few peoples’ heads and distract them.
3. Round 4—Witten is off the board and you are taking Gates, on your way to the board say “time to start a run baby!” This is sure to get Tony and maybe even Clark off the board faster than other owners wanted. This is also sure to upset the guy who is picking 10 picks later and knows you just ended his chances of getting Gonzo! This will also allow other owners to take tight ends before they wanted, if your tactic is successful, leaving you to a better selection of other players for your next pick.
Remember to say something cute to “monkey boy”
4. After the 4th round say “I cannot believe I got my first four picks just as I planned. This has never happened before. This Is MY Year!” This is sure to get a rise with the guy who missed out on a couple of his picks.
5. Make extraordinarily fast picks. In fact, once the guy ahead of you starts to go up to the board, then get up and go too. After he makes his pick immediately put yours up. This will make the guy right after you nervous. It will also speed up your draft and make a few others uncomfortable. Perfect, you have already mapped out your players and should not have much debating to do before each pick.
6. In the 6th round, wait until 2 picks before your biggest competitor makes his selection and focus on his weakness. Let’s say his weakness is at wide receiver. Pick someone whose team sucks so far but has okay wide receivers and say “man I like your team, your receivers are solid…a lot better than (enter your foe’s name here).” This is sure to make your foe try and analyze if his team is better than the crappy one you gave accolades too. With him second guessing now and looking at his week wide receivers, his game plan and confidence are bound to change.
Do not forget about monkey boy, time to say something silly to him.
7. 6th round, randomly pick a guy you haven’t punked on yet. After his pick say “man that was a great pick, he wouldn’t have made it back to you for sure!” This sets up the next move.
You’ve planted a lot of seeds and already made an impact….time to push the envelope a bit, see how far you can bend it before it breaks…..
8. Early in round 7, you are after a WR but not Breaston….ask everyone “who is the third wide receiver in Arizona again?” After the response comes, “oh I thought he went somewhere else….has he been drafted?” Playing stupid will tick off the guy(s) who wanted to get Breaston and now if they still want him will have to buy him early (he should go mid 8th or later, but with your involvement he will go soon!
9. Also in 7th round find a selection that someone takes that has an ADP of 10 or higher. Say “wow you must really be high on this guy you could have gotten him in the 10th based on ADP.” Surely to irritate whoever that was.
10. Also in the 7th round, randomly pick another guy you haven’t had it out with yet “man that was my 10th round pick. Darn! Nice one…way too early, but nice one…you got me! Does anyone else here use ADP?” It doesn’t need to be your planned 10th round pick, or even a guy you were thinking of drafting, just a pick that was taken too early.
11. In the 8th round, your running backs are solid and you do not plan on getting any more soon…when someone who has weak running backs is on the clock ”I can’t believe I got my running backs, they are the best on the board. You better get some more if you want to compete with me.” Even if that guy doesn’t go after your bait, others surely will. Watch the running backs come off the board while your other positions are there for your turn.
12. Also in the 8th round. You know your pick is WR Kevin Walter (example), then go up pretending that you are looking for someone you don’t want (WR Crabtree-- just an example) and sort of whisper to yourself without making an official announcement “…Crabtree, Crabtree…..Crabtree” and then magically come across Walter “Oh my God, is this a mistake, is Walter still available….wow I must have crossed out the wrong guy, I thought he was gone, WOW…I will take him!” This will definitely get the guy going who wanted Walter as well as the guy who was planning on taking Crabtree.
By this time, others have surely joined you in the fun and fed off of your plan. You could sit back and watch them carry out your mission….nah….it is time to kick it in another gear and BRING IT!....
13. Round 9 is note slipping time. Pick a guy who has a need with a position you are stacked at (Let’s stay with a running back). Pick some chump left on your cheat sheet from that position and say “I can’t believe this guy is still out there, if I would have known he would still be here I wouldn’t have taken (enter any of your RB here) in the 8th and write it down on a piece of paper and hand it to him.” Everyone else will know it is a running back. As soon as he reads it, “Oh there is one more…” pull another name out of the hat, write it down and pass it along to him asking “what do you think about this guy, he has to go soon.” This is sure to tick off a few of the folks in the room because they are worried that it might be the guy they want to take next.
14. Round 10, when someone is walking up to the board, say “Oh I know who I would take here” write down another chump that you wouldn’t take anyways and pass it to the same buddy from earlier. By now, everyone else is getting sick of the note passing. Job well done!
15. Round 11, icing on the note passing cake. Write down another chump and while passing it to the same dude say “is this guy hurt or something, I can’t believe he is still out there, especially for a running back?” Again this strategy is pump up a position that you already have solidified as well as distracting others from their focus.
16. Round 12-- by this time the ones who are not prepared are clearly identified. After you have your backup quarterback on your roster, find a dude who has been fumbling through a magazine and only has one. Ask “can I borrow your magazine I have to check on a bye week, I don’t want to take 2 quarterbacks from the same bye week like (enter owner name here who made the mistake) did!. Looks like you gotta take another quarterback soon” This will serve two purposes. 1. Make the guy who has the magazine nervous that you will take too long and they won’t be ready for their pick and (2) irritate the moron who took 2 QBs with the same bye weeks. If no one took 2 QBs from same bye week then look for someone to pick on that has 2 RB or a couple WR with the same bye weeks and pick on them.
17. Any time, once you have your backup QB ask the question “Why is it that everyone has Owens and Evans as top 20 wide receivers and Trent Edwards (who you have no interest in) is the 18th quarterback, this makes no sense.” Sit back and watch someone try to make sense of this but can’t figure it out so they take Edwards with their next pick.
18. Round 13, let’s say you know who you are taking and it is wide receiver ABC. On your way to the board act like you do not know who you are taking. “I know I need to take a wide receiver…let me look through the list, give me a second.” “Rattle off a few big names, say 4 or 5 names, before making your selection. Should I take this guy…..nah, maybe this guy…..no, well I like this guy…..nah, maybe this guy……ah well I will just take ABC, they are all good picks for this point in the draft!” You just rattled of 4 or 5 names (names of guys you don’t want but know someone else will) that someone might have forgotten about. This will definitely get someone on edge if their next pick was on your list, this may even start a run at the position. Mission accomplished.
Closing thoughts: Draft day is supposed to be the most fun day of the year. Not just a bunch of robots methodically making picks. If you want to be a robot, then do so behind your computer. If someone gets vocal about your antics just simply reply “this is just a game, have some fun guy, don’t take your fat aggression out on me you big bully. Just because your team sucks you don’t need to blame me, you should have studied more/been better prepared. Loosen up “tighty whitey” and continue to call them by their new nickname the rest of the draft.
Tod “FFLKing” Brooks
